My inner blah

Yesterday was a day spent in a omplete and utter daze. I lay in bed half asleep half awake...the only positive thing was that I really had no intrest in eating at all and the whole day passed without me even thinking about eating.

Not until the evening did any emotions stir within me, and as usual the day ended with a tantrum. I just cant take the question have you eaten? I went to the trouble of making a plate dirty just so they would see it and not ask, and still after a whole day of not even speaking to me mum asks have you eaten. This was after i said OH I got hungry while you were out and ate.

Well it ended quite well when I sent my mum a text askign her where she was cuz I needed her and I think she finally realized that although I was shouting I wasnt meaning to be rude and abusive I just needed love.

Today I have been cold from the inside aswell as dead to the world. I am finding it hard to keep a train of thought going for more than half a second. Went to talk to the head of sixth form about my situation and she said maybe if my mum can pay for it I can board during the week (I refuse to have my social life taken from me on the weekends.) I will find some one who can take me in during weekends. Maybe Deano.

Just waiting for my aunt to come round now. Maybe she will have somethign sensible to say. I feel that I am capable of moving out and if we cant pay for boarding then mabe I can move in with Oskar, he said he will have me. I dont suppose my dad is gunna even accept me living on my own. The thing is I sort of am old enough now that I dont see why I shouldnt be able to live on my own. I truely believe that because my anorexia is about control if I feel lie I am in control of my life I will let the control I try to have over my eating go. But then who knows I MAY be very naive to believe that! Maybe my anorexia is kidding me! Thats the thing I feel like I know when it is me thinking and talking or when it is the anorexia but maybe I dont know.

Jennies controled gestapo state is a ot like what people are saying about england. My aunt and her bf are moving to spain because they cant take how controled and unprivate living in england has become. There are like 50,000 speed camras simply in the London area, in the whole of spain there are 500. My aunts bf has downloaded a massive map of spain with all the speed cameras so that he can ride his bike at full speed all the time. He will keep it registered in england so if he does get stopped by Spanish police they will just ask for the mone on the spot, rather than there being a whole dragged out court process.