When will Fraser replace Maxim?

I wonder what it feels like to no longer feel any sence of attchment to Maxim...I wonder when Fraser becomes the person I instinctivly thnk of when I am sad....I dont love or like Maxim any more, but we were together through a lot and that will take some time to build up with Fraser. I wonder what he feels anbout me in relation to Emma? does he still feel the urge to call her when he si down? Although they ave been apart 3 the amount of time Amxim and I ahve been separated.
I some times wonder what Maxim is doing, does he wonder what i am doing...is he thinking about when we first met or the times we had fun ...went to movies...actually thinking back the best moment I ever had with him was near when we first met..we were just sitting on my bed talking getting to know eachother..asking questions about what our families were like. There was no sign of what was to come, and I wonder if therehad been what I would have done? Would I ahve walked away, or wold I have dismissed it as a silly paranoia...I was never to knw that laterhis paranoia would ruin something that could have been so beautiful. I was never to know that the same dad he was describing as a man forced to flee from the maffia, would become something i COULD NOT FLEE FROM.
All the effort put into the relationship can never be refunded, and do you know what, I dont want it back. I am sure that in some ways I have made some difference to his life..without me maybe some other girl would have had to suffer his abuse. I dont see myself as a mater..its nothing liek that. i am happy in some ways that I have gone through an experiance that has taught me such a great deal! He has given me so much...I dont condone what he did..or what i did..and I am not saying that I think any one else should have to go through it. I am simply saying that I am very naive sometimes and maybe it was better to learn the hard way while I was still to young to comitte fully. Who knows what would have happened if we would have met 2 years later. By nw I could have been a mother with a bruised face and a scared child...
I hope that in some way he still thinks of me with a smile on his face. I hope I didnt cause him all the pain he said I did, because I dont ever want any one to feel like I did under his rule, because of how I am treating them.

Wow now that I have that out of my system I can think about the future. Who knows what Fraser and i can achieve together..It is very hard with him to tell what he is feeling. I dont know if he needs me or really wants me. I guess I shouldjust wait and see..I dont want to tip a scale that then cant be rebalanced. I really need to feel needed without being clung to like a last breath of air. I dont know what a relationship is like. I dont suppose a relationship is like anything...it is an entity of its own,unique for each time it is formed. If Platos theory of The Forms is right..what does the Form of a relationship look like?

Nostalgia is a poison of the mind...sure it is a beautiful thing to be able to reminis about the past,but how many times do we not linger in the past just a little too long? All our fears and anxieties are built on things that happened in the past and surely some of these fears have past their sell by dates...I used to be too afraid of being alone to even consider the possibility of being alone at home, or any where were there were not people visable at every moment...The fear hasnt quite left me and I still cant be alone with NO ONE around but I am slowly getting their. Why am I so scared of it though..My subconscience is constantly is a state of nostaligia, thinking of that time when I was little and afraid and no one helped me. Im ready to admitt that although it is nice to be able to relive certain moments of my life over and over again...to think about that time I found out I was something to someone, it isnt enough to live souly in the past...I need a future and my future started here in England 8weeks ago. If I dont embrace this chance now I have blown it forever...and although I may be scared and I may have carried those inner fears with me, the nostalgia has got to stop here! I cant be the person I was before, I have to revamp and reshape myself into something that I feel is doing justice to myself. Kathy this is for loving my potential....(too bad you didnt tell me how to use it)