Spending more and more time in the bathroom

Fuck! Went to Limmud today, and they fucking managed to have good food even though it was kosher. Ended up with my head bent over the baltchington Mill staff toilets. The thing is I suck at purging and I never seem to get it all up. The good thing is I managed to call Fraser and unbook the fair trade meal! Other wise I would have gone way over any resnable kcal limit.
Told them that I wouldnt make it in time..which sorta was true...

Going to London tomorrow, dont know what I am meant to do there but Mims and i will have the day to spend doing something..maybe cinema or just window shopping.

I am going to try to go to Limmud at xmas..I will be going off to Nottingham alone which means control of my own food, and the good thing is there will be lots to do to keep me occupied so I wont need to actually ever eat. The thing is I dont trust myself to be strong enough to actually not eat...I am weak.

Thursday is the doctors and I will fucking have to face the fact that I have gained weight...I dont suppose I can even lose it if i dont eat from now til then.

Fashionshow was fun yesterday, well not really fun, but the ppl were nice. Skimmpy fucking clothes though!

Feel so fat at the moment..mum just mentioned food and it made me think about how ful I feel! I think I weigh over 45 now when I weighed 43 or so yesterday and 42 the day b4. I cant belive I am letting myself balloon like this! NO I KNOW I am NOT fat, thats not the point (just thought I would make that clear for thoes ignorant fuckers with two brain cells!!!)