Happy

I never really believed that as ur weight went up ur thinking changed, but perhaps this week I have been proved wrong. Then again the happiness and new found acceptance and motivation was short lived.
i gained my table tennis insentive and was happy about that (I swore that I wouldnt be happy, but sad as it would have meant a weight gain. All day however I was over joyed at the fact that I could finally play table tennis. The happiness and ability to eat however left me by Friday when I was over whelmed with a feeling of stress. This morning was hell and another childish tantrum proceeded breakfast. I guess it is true that there will be good days and there will be bad days and you are not cured just because you manage to eat a piece of cake without feeling like shit, or manage to go through a whole day without feeling like you have no purpose. The fact that I have so far put the weight on only on my hips and bum is very positive but the fear still remains that the tummy will flab soon.
I was visited by a social worker who told me about a supported living accomodation, where ten people share a house, which is staffed from 9-21 every day. The rent is only 10 a week and this includes gas water and tv. I have applied for benifits, and after my review,m which has been reschedualed to the 2 of April I hope that the wait will not be too long until I can move into my new house in Worthing.

Almost kicked out

Monday started with my review. They decided I would be discharged on Friday to sit at home for two weeks. This was unacceptable as I would have lost so much weight. Mum phoned the local MP adult services and the press, and finally on Thursday I was told I could stay (not due to the fuss I had made, but because they felt it was wrong to discharge me when adult services were not ready for me.)
Had a bad week due to the fact that I felt like I was in limbo again.
When I was told I could stay I was pleased but also anoyed that I wouldnt be able to go home and lose all the weight again.
We have a new 12 year old kinnda anorexic girl. She came in on the anorexic protocol, but she refused to eat and they took her off it and now she just has to eat but she choses what and she doesnt have to eat all her food. They decided she didnt have anorexia but rather a fear of being sick. She really wants to go home though. Its sad!
Pierced my own ear again. 12 piercings now...

AAAAAAAAAAA Bloody hell

Last weekend was the culmination of all evil. I cant believe how shit it was. Strated on Friday with me feeling embarassed about my mum serving me infront of my step grandma (I over reacted and the whole evening went to hell) Saturday I got a lecture from Leon about how I was vegitating wasting my life ect ect..didnt help me feel better or more confident about my future. In the evening he made snide remarks about my xfear of being alone which turned me against my mum because she didnt stand up for me. Ended in me going back to Colwood early, where I was told i had to have a snack, which I refused. The meal plan was full of crosses and I was told that I would be expected to make up all the things I had not eaten, I told them I would refuse to do so. Wardround on Tuesday brought me news of an emergency review being schedualed due to my weight lose over the weekend and my inability to stick to the anorexic protocol. After many days of worrying about the fact that I was told I HAVE to go home ALL weekends (why that is the case for only me out of all the ana girls I dont know) I am now sitting at home. My review had been moved from the 15th of March to the 5th, and if this weekend doesnt go well I will be "expelled" from Colwood and turned over to adult services to do as they please with me.
My depression is getting worse and worse and I dont know what the future holds but in my mind I cant even imagine a future. I cant see myself ever getting anything sorted. How manytimes do I have to breakup my life to try and give mysefl a new start before it succeeds. I cant see it working this time any better than last time. As the sexy Mr Robbie Williams says "I dont wanna die, but I aint keen on living either" I feel just as blue as the manicdepressent inpatient who spends his whole day telling as many ppl as he can that he has a bad feeling he cant seem to shake, but he cant describe it either. Ive tried telling him the feeling is depression (yes depression for me is a feeling, not an illness which includes sadness and hopelesness).