Another attack

I dont know what to do as I am sitting here psycological pain is shooting through my head and body and disfiguring my face as the food disfigures my body! I cant take this any more I need to diet! I need a friend who cansupport me in my ana not try to get me out of it! I need to be able to eat so that I go to bed with a smile on my face and an ache in my tummy. Just once I wish my body would scream out for nutrience!
I want Frasers Greek statue like body..bones jutted out in all places possible..muscles showing.
I am not going to be able to satisfy either side of me. I cant not eat, but if I eat I cant live with myself! this cant go on I need to go on a diet! I need to cut out all the shit I eat! I need some one to coach me...not a pretend like vicki who says she has an ed and then eats a packet of criss and drinks a hot chocolate. She doesnt seem to mind the fact that the boarding house is making her ed hard..it gives her a good excuse to eat normally...thats all she needed to satisfy her conscience...an excuse..well that only workes until I swallow for me! It only works until Leon gives me that iron smile that says "ha youve done it again" I ate two chips that were left over today and he said to my sister and me OMG you do know you just ate potatoe sofie..I was like ya I know two chips wow!!! Then my brain started crying and my stomache heaving..then I ate more..tried to subordinate the feelings, but now I have nothing more to do but gain weight and cry! I cant take it any more! I need to diet! i need to feel skinny again! i NEED THAT FEELING OF WEAKNESS TO MAKE ME WHOLE! I need to faint when I stand up! I need people to stop buying cakes..I need to get some self dicipline! I need salvation!