Starting to get fed up!

Look when u get a letter from uni or u meet a new friend or shit yourself let me know!!! Dont expect me to know to ask!

Wedding bells

Went to a very orthadox wedding today! Funnily enough it was not that different to a normal jewish wedding! It was nice with the parents having candles as they walked the couple up the isle.
Went to the party in the evening just in time for dessert...fist desert then cakes and creps...wow religious ppl do know how to party though!
After deciding that it was time to have a b/p I started in on the deserts..the ice cream was easy to get up again....the creps were not really worth eating so I didnt. Had two small cakes....I dont know what the cal intake was like cause it was all Kosher food so there was no milk in it...dont know how you make creps and cakes without milk.
Throught is a little soar now but my toungue is worse I think.

Is it possible to want to marry some one wthout reallly being interested in them sexually? I guess its what u call a friendship...I dont know it just seems like it would be nice to settle down with some one who you like a lot and get on wth and can talk to...even if you are not interested in them sexually...I guess either you will gradually come to like them sexually, or you will both have out of wedlock sex lives, or maybe you just have to keep your legs crossed...I guess its all about security..I think it is that security that Jennie now lacks after moving out from Henrik....Its that base that you can return to when you dont know where else to go...in the long run you can have sex any where with any one...but you cant find that warmth on a street corner...U can have a house, but its making it a home that makes it worth having!

I seriously have to go back to last weeks diet I lost like 1kg...dont want to get complacent and put it back on!!!

Dont want this any more!

Im not even looking forward to work tomorrow, cuz im too bussy thinking about the coconut I ate in good faith and then had to purge when I found out coconut is code for fat! All day has been shit due to this! Its insane! My hair ís gunna be gone soon, my friends are gone (not that the ones I had hear seemed to be real). My mum hates me cuz im a pain in the ass! My sister annoys the shit outta me! I feel so FAT I wasnt even weak today I was ful of energy, imagine how much I must have eaten to not be weak and tiered. '
i want a hug, I wasnt to be shown love in a way that I percieve as love...I want them to care for me, not my life.
Dont want to live if I dont even look forward to it (ironic thing being I justed watched saw II. I am a perfect candidate for his game arnt I)
I HATE THESE MOMENTS WHEN THE FUTURE SEEMS SO HOPELESS, YOU DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO! I HAVE TO DO WELL IN SCHOOL, BUT I CANT SEEM TO KEEP UP (OR MAYBE I AM)!
I just want to live my life independent of others in a sort of autistic state! That would be horrid though, so I dont want that! I dont know....just want the flab to go away!!!!

Should say something profound

I really should say something profound, but at 12.30 at night when your really tiered and a little hungry it is hard to think let alone be profound.
I have been thinking alot about money lately, it is one of the many areas in my life which my move has made more of a significant and interesting, but also mature part of my life. I know have to earn my own money and because I do, I also have to pay for things. My main goal is the driving lessons, but I would also like to be able to get an mp3 player and the trips to Cardiff and perhaps France are going to set me back quite a bit!

so much for recovory

Ush feel like I have been so fucking useless today! Why did I think having lunch was ok?

Annoying

Dinner yesterday went fine and I have not gained any weight. I think after a couple of weeks of good losing and consistant lack of eating i am starting to think about recovery eating a little. Possible I can manage to have some chicken for lunch (which I did, plain piece of chicken ad salad.) Went from about 900kcal to 200 for a couple of weeks, maybe I will go back towards 900 and then come down again if need be now that I have conquered my need to eat (hope it doesnt come back)

Fucking police called just to let me know that they hadnt forgotten that I am a druggy! They had no reason to call me!! I have started a new life LEAVE ME ALONE!

My sister and her friend have just eaten a whole chocy sponge cake by themselves and made 12 muffins and eaten some...iceing and rice paper lol...

Dinner

Having ppl over for dinner tonight which is scary! I hate having ppl over for dinner, always ends badly!

AAA prison

Was invited to this POSH do in Wales but mum and Leon say I can onyl go if I eat pasta or carbs or something once a week and gain 1.5kg...
I said I wouldnt go then cuz eating that would make me feel worse then going to the party wa worth and he said ok well will use the same threat next time u want something.

mum decided

My mum decided in light of my rescent weight loss to call the school nurse and tell her about my ED. She then decided that because it may affect my school work she had to tell the head of sixt form (who I talked to latest today). I dont really mind but the funny thing is that the head last saw me stuffing my face with cakes at the charity mcmillan coffee morning! She is gunna laugh so badly! How embarassing hahahaha!

Umbubba

Well went up to London with my RE clas to see Vardy spk..it was interesting. Some very profound opinions. RE really is a huge amount of bollox but it is rather interesting!
Went out with Ilana on Saturday night. We were going to go to a part in a club but when we got there we saw the queue and we decided it wasnt worth it, so we went to walkabout instead (australien club/pub). It was nice I got a drink bought for me a slippery nipple. We then went to Umbubba. It is a guest list only club. Costs 20pounds to get in, but one of the girls I was with knew a bouncer so we got in for free. We went in and it was just so cool cuz there were little rund tables with sofas round with ice buckets and bottles of vodka and orange juice and so on. An Italian guy asked us to join him. We smoked water pipe drank vodka and somemix thing. He also bought me a shot. I have no idea who payed for the bottles r if they are complimentary. All of a sudden a bar tender came over with two bottles of champeign and any one who wanted a glass could have one. It really was very odd. We left at around 4ish and started walking around pickadilly looking for a bus. IN the end we took a cab to Camden and a bus from there. Its the first time I have been out and not got pissed out of my head (and I so easily could have with all the free alcohole)
I actually lost weight cuz we walked so much round LOndon.
Went to my grandmason my way home from LOndon, the first thing she does is start going on abot how I am going to die soon and I should write a will. She says I look like a skelletan and its sick how much weight I have lost since halloween (I would say maybe 1.25kg) I have started to think that maybe my body is about to give up on me soon. I used to find it so hard to not eat, now I find it harder to eat. I feel constantly sick, sure I will be ok though..there is a bug going round so I could just have that.
Have to do soem more course work this week. Now that I am gifted and talented I have to work hard lol

I was

I was gunna write a diary entry about what I did today..nothing special really...but then I saw this itube film by an xana and it made m scared. The doctors have told her she will have to have as walker by the time sheis 40 cuz her bones are shit. She has had to have surgery on her mouth 6 times to pull teeth out cuz they cant fix them. She was crying it was horrid. The thing is I dont think I can stop. I am going to take some calcium tabletts now..

I dont know what it is...

Feel so sick! Could be the ana or mia..but then my sister isnt well either so there is probably a bug going round.

Honestly Im scared

I dont really know what I am scared of. I think it is a combination of getting fat and of getting more obsessed. I dont know I really want to lose thoes 4 pounds that are keeping me from my target weight, but I dont know how. I could stop eating all together but that would probably just lead to weight gain. I dont see what more I can do. I mean I could cut out the odd apple or clementina...but apples are meant to be negative kcal anyway. I dont want to get any deeper into this but at the same time very time I try to think rationally about food I just get scared of gaining weight. I am at the moment on a fruit and veg diet...I am consantly pushing the boundries to see how much fruit I can eat without gaining.

I feel bloated today although nothing....not even a crumb (I lie 3 pasta pieces) have entered my mouth that was not fruit or veg. Salad for dinner maybe isnt so smart. It just makes me feel BLUU

We will see...

RIP Domenique

Very sad to hear about Lindsay's mums death. Cant believe she neglected to tell me that she was sick.
Vanilla also died...but that wa slightly more expected really.

Its weiered I am starting to notice how anorexia deteriorates ur body in stages. Its like ur body shuts down in different stages. First your hair gets shit...then nothing changes for a couple of weeks..then ur skin....now I seem to have lost the ability to keep warm. Wonder what the next stage is...I guess I will know in a month or so...well knowing me I wont know cuz I will crack and start eating tons everyday. I sware to g-d it is really hard to calculate if it is better to eat a little bread or something or just a lot of veg. I think veg makes u feel more ful cuz u have to eat so much of it to feel satisfied.

Bowling

Went out bowling yesterday after work. Played 3 games. I have NEVER played so badly in my whole life. Could have been cuz I was a little drunk. We then went to a very snazzy bar. I actually didnt drink any more that evening, only my baileys + vodka (bought by the night manager of Tescos) and half a glass of vodka+ lemonade. Got home at about 1.15 to find the front door open. Got a little worried but when I saw that Leons phone was still standing just inside the door in its charger I calmed down a little. Went in to check on my sister and found she was still awake so she came and sleept in my nice double bed...I ahve a double bed..whooo...I used to be jealouse of people who had double beds.
Today I am ment to be doing hw! I should really get on with it! I have two 3 Eng lit essays 2 RE and 2 pieces of Eng lan course work, a work sheet in psy and past papper q in bio. January is coming up and I have my modual exams in some of my subjects...scary! Psy will probs be the hardest causethere are so many case studies to remember., or perhaps bio cause its fact based.

Went to town today!

Got my hair put back to normal colour today! It was really getting a bit skanky in colour. Went inot town with D and we went to a nice pub. It nice to be able to just sit and talk to some one who is a little older and has both a brain and life experiance!
I am so jealous of the toy shut at toys r (meant to be backwards) us. I want to go shutting down it and break my collar bone. If I had Mrs Mc dowy bowys collar bones maybe I would take better care of them. Nicky wanted me to come with her to see to her nipple piercing which I thought was funny seeing as I dont even know her. I have however felt her boobs (they are silicon so I just had to have a feel! ( in the middle of a pub no less). The funny thing is they are like a little bigger than mine only so they must really have been tinny b4!
Friday nights are really nice to spend with family but a little restricitng some times. But if family is gunna be like what it was today I dont see the point in being with them. It was Leons bday and I came home relativly early to have dinner with the family and what do I find out? He is of course in a strop and doesnt eat with us (which was lucky cuz as usual there was not enough food.) Mum had chucked his bday cake in the bin but she later fished it out (it was in the packet so it was ok) She realized that Mims may have wanted it. Leon however ate like 75% of it and Mims had the rest, which wasfine cuz I had just purged my diner and dint feel liek going into a cake binge.
Had two peices of chocolate cookie today...I cant resist free food (may be part of the disorder) I didnt have any lunch or breaky cept for some fruit though and I purged dinner so I dont suppose I have actually digested that many kcal. I need a little food to keep my matabolism going so I guess thats ok.
I have a psycology essay tomorrow on attachment. I really cant do psycology essays. USH!!

Diagnosis

Was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa today! Was told I have to take 75mg of my antidepressants rather than 50. I was put on a waiting list for CBT...dont know how long the wait will be.
Anna just diagnosed me with dyslexic dysgraphyia.

Hangover?

Dont know if I have a hangover after yesterdays pub visit or if I really am ill. My headache is a little sever for such a relativly small consumption of alcohol.

Tescos goes wild

Went to a tescos party last night. It was absolutly wild. There was o much free alcohol and drugs that it made anything Ive ever been to before look like a poor mans party. I smoked like 5 joints (rolled shittily by me) I took 1.5 e/x I snorted cocain and I ate a christal of MDMA (didnt xpect that to work). Non of this worked on me cept the weed a little...Dam you ADHD. Actuaky it is funny cuz I dint even get very drunk because I thought better not to mix alcohol and odd drugs. So this party was fun without any help...wow that must have made it a pretty good party!
Came home around 3 in the morning. Deryl walked me....very sweet of him. It is funny cuz the guys were all saying they were scared to talk to me cuz Deryl is big and would beat them. Just cuz he was the one that told me and took me to the party doesnt mean we are going out lol. Only met the guy twice (not that I have waited long b4 getting with ppl b4).
Funnily enough I got up at 8 this morning. I have allready done my english essay, so now I only have 3 to go.
Gained a lot of weight since yesterday though..man u get the munchies when u smoke weed. And cooking dinner for 50ppl and only serving 15 does give you a lot of spare food. I made fajihtas and pancakes with fruit and cream for deseret. I thought it tasted really good unfortunatly. I felt so grownup being in charge of dinner for the whole tescos staff...but I guess it was only dinner which not many of them bother to have.
I was thinking of dropping two subjects anddoing a part time catering course instead..the thing is I would drop bio and psycology, which leaves me with re eng lit and englang and they dont really give u many options as to a career. I unlike Sammi dont really want to study theology at uni. English I guess would be ok, but that is very limiting. Guess there are loads of jobs u could do..law isnt out of the picture or anything within media. I dont know....probably wont happen, too big a step!

Work

Like all my dear babies in Sweden I am feeling the pressure when it comes to essays and course work. I also have my job which I LOVE so thats good, even if it does take up a whole weekend sometimes.

Just chtting to maxim again he is sending me pics of his kinnda gf (she is quite pretty). So far I am fine with it. Would be nice if he took some intrest in what I am up to but then watever.

Going to a party tomorrow with a guy from work, hope it will be fun, should meet a lot of new ppl!
too sleepy to write more night night

Trip down memory lane!

Got Maxims new msn yesterday. Added him and had a LONG chat. It was nice but odd. It pleased me when he told me that he still thinks of me and that he that day had looked at my photos. He told me about a beautiful story about his last sexual encounters. It was a really nice story really romantic and i felt sorry that he was in a slightly odd situation. I wasnt jealouse at all. He told me that when he was kissing this girl he likes he kept seeing me. I have had the oddest feeling today..some sort of nostalgia. I am not sure if it was a positive thing to be in contact with him again or not. It was a nice convo..but thinking of him in a positive light is never good because it always ends in floods of tears...or blood lol (drama)

Over

So that was that relationship over...Oh well at least it didnt get all tangled and black like the last one!
A relationship that frizzled out rather than went off in a massive explosion. At least this break up didnt leave any casualties.