no one knows

they are all emos yet they dont know what ED stands for!

so a few days have gone...

Well I took the KATS tests but I cant be bothered to ask for the results it really doesnt matter. I just know that I suck at working out where holes appear in folded paper.
Right well Mike and I are over b4 we begane it never really took off and now Fraser and I are together so that feels better, but it has upset Vix!
Finally got sorted what is going on with this modeling thing. So I have my hair done on the 14th of Oct....slight cut and certain parts blue...then the show is on the 21st.
I have a job interview at Tescos tomorrow,should be entertaining!
Whoo the teacher read my English work out to the class...finally some appreciation of my genious. LOL
Seems like I turn my back for three seconds and Marina and Jennie have started a world war. Gathered something about PMS and a book...Sounds quite normal to me LOL

I was thinking about when you tell your children things about your past. Do I tell them I know what it feels like to be anorexic..cause I once was? Do I say I was a self harmer? Do I say I was a druggy? I mean am I any of thoes things...sometimes it really feels like the ana has me controled now! But then I eat something and either I feel cured or like a failure. Still havnt had my period, so I guess soon I can be diagnosed with ana..OH I dont know...

KATS tomorrow

AAAA they are gunna test me to c if I am oxbridge matterial! Why would I be..Dont ask me to tell a square from a cube from a flag pole...and as for figuring out what word I cane make of the letters istpud..dont even try.
U cant study for these types of tests..ur either dumb or not...wow scary! This is liek my whole self asteem on the line!

Weak

Feeling odd today a little weak! I shouldnt be feeling this weak, havnt not eaten for long enough!

...

I nicked a book with cal charts and a little info about different foods in it. It kinnda depressed me cuz it says I need about 1200cal per day which is much less than I thought. It also makes it quite clear that eating is dangerous as everything contains way too many cal! Today I have only eaten one 49 cal yoghurt.

edited!

Rosh Hashanah

well last night wasnt to bad. I ate a fair amount, had huge back and stomache aches...but not as bad as when my cousin was here. Going in to town soon. not going to any parties this weekend so I wont be snacking on cookies and stuff, so I dont think last nights food intake will be too much of a problem.Have a lot of hw to d, but it shouldnt be too hard. Did the longest peice (i hope) allready!

Randomly

I chose Mike..dont ask why I guess cuz he is is available at ther moment.
Went to a fair tail part that was shit..so when Philip stormed out I decicded I would comfort him. Ended up walking with him from school how..lol that was a NICE bit of excersize.. ( I was dressed as a witch the whole way home lol).
NEW YEARS EVE today so having family round..hope they eat the food or I learn self control b4 diner!

Journal?

I wish people would write bloggs telling me what you have been up to! I write almost what I have done everyday, yet no entry by any one cept Mike has shed any light on actually happenings in my friends lives! All deep thoughts are nice...but I want to know what u are doing each day even if you may think it is boring!

Bright red

My mum just found my dildo...lol....

ATTACK

Ush I can now in many ppls eyes say I DEf dont have an eating disorder..Im a fucking pig!

tattoo

My mum saw my tattoo..all she did was tut and say bad girl in a soft voice...she doesnt care much, I guess, which is great!
Leon thinks i am a slut for sleeping with maxim! If only he knew!

Breaking and entering ur own home

Went to another party...Want as good as the last one...there was not the same crowd feeling and friendly atmospher. When it got to 12.30 his parents said we either had to go to bed or leave. We were meant to be sleeping over but I wasnt tiered at all..so mike, hugo, some dude and I walked to Beading to Barcleys house. His parents had put the inside latch on so we had to stick a stick in through the letter box to be abole to use the key to open the door. His step dad really want too pleased when he fiund out Barcley had come home broken in AND brought friends. We left his house around 7 in the mornign b4 his parents had time to see us. We then sat in a park and did nothing for 3 hours until the first bus home went. Saw my Bio teacher with his wife and kids. MAn did they look like some perfect family.All smiling and playing in the park. Made me feel sick! Oh ya talking about feeling sick..I smoked too much hasch and actually threw up...not pleasant. I hope they dont find out it was me. It was in the garden but it still isnt very nice. We put a chair over it to hide it lol.
Micheal asked me out and I said I had to think about it! I dont know what to do!!!

Up for it!

Yay They want to do my hair in all weired coloures!!! FUN FUN!! LETS just hope the whole experiance is glam and great! Loads of money and a start on a trip to Super Stardom!

Monkey

I hate the monkey he is so cruel..he leaves me just long enough to let me eat thats last potatoe, but just as I swollow he comes back...and he shouts and screams and calls me weak! And the truth is I dont have any contorl over what I eat...my mouth just eats all the time. Im not even hungry! Im gunna go to the doctor in a moth and I am gunna have gained weight, cuz I cant control, myself! I need to learn that food is not a thing I need! I need to feel good..and at the moment eating is not making me feel mentaly good..The monkey is too smart for me..I cant beat him and he wont compramise, he only tricks me into eating so that he can shout at me again! He loves to see me fail! HE LOVES THE CHANCE TO CALL ME A FAT PIG WITH NO SELF CONTROL! It may not be normal to not eat all day and it may not be something that people should or need to do..but it is possible..and anything that is possible I should be able to do...and if I cant I am no better than any one else...and I am ment to be better then a lot of people (wow that sounded consieded)

People can have eating disorders but not be skinny and I knowthat is true and it makes sence and all that..but I dont believe it! I dont have an eating disorder I eat too much! And people tell me I have eaten enough or too much all the time..then they tell me to eat and that I am too skinny...when I want to eat they comment on what I am eating and make me feel like a pig..and when I as a result dont eat...they complain! I want tolive all on my own with an empty fridge and a packet of gum and a nice gym that has machines that show you how many cal u have burnt!

Waiting

Sitting here waiting for my job interview..thinking about the party tonight! Hope its fun! Adam cant come so it will be MIke and I..Jenny and other of course but they arent sleeping over!
I am bored and I have actually done some hw..but the printer doesnt work so I cant even get it off the computer!

Sleeping Beauty

So had a friend sleep over last night, real sweet heart! We drank chocolate drinks (her oboy, me low calorie) with vodka in...and spray cream on top! I know what a fucking hipocrit I am! We watched White noise...well I dont really know how well I was listening cuz at the moment the film has no meaning to me. Maybe I should watch it again...or maybe not!
Got 3 job applications or interviews today..one for Tescos one for M&S and one for a modeling job at a hair dressers!

Got hw in most subjects but not uge amounts s I can easily do it if I just get on with it!
I really should go in the shower but Leon went in..how annoying I left my pretty friends in bed to get up and shower and the shower is in use...might just sneak back up ;)

My sister made acake in foodtech yesterday (nope didnt have any). I really want to do Foodtech Alevel but they dont have it! I would be in tears everyclass lol

Dreamt that some one told me the best instrument for suicidal people is a violin! So now you knoe that! I also work at IKEA and served Annas mum food when she came in. Odd!!!

So I guess u people have no lives or things to comment on my life, so I will end my blogg here cuz I aint gunna get any comments anyway!

Getting into it

So been to school for a few days and I love it! The stuff we are doing is about the same as IB but I guess at the moment I am scared that it is not at the same depth.
This year should be easy as I have allready done the bio and psy...well most of it. Thats what you get for redoing a year!
Fairy tale party on 21...going as a mouse...easy to see what I am trying to be I hope!

Went to the doctor today to get a referal to the psycologist..but the system here seems to be really crap..they just seem to have like random things and no one really cares. Mum said she was worried about my weight so they weighed me. I was pleased becuase I weighed 43 with full clothing (belt and all). The doctor however said that although this is under weight it is nothing to worry about..SO there!

RE is nothing to do with religions which I think is odd...they could call the class philosophy...love the teacher!!! School is soo cool>..

HaHAHA Hvitfeldtska has the best bamba in sweden...compared to ours it is like eating rats shit!! We have the most tasty selection of food, and there is a HUGE selection!!!

Just trying to figure out the situation with Mike Adam and I...I am now being labled Mikes gf..but I am not...Adam had backed right off to give room for Mike which is not what I wanted...

Party!!

Got invited to a party on my first day of school, so saturday evening mum drove me to Steyning where we picked up Adam and went on to Jennys. It was fun! Not a lot of drink, more food actually..pizza cookie dough and bickies. Stayed up all night and ate toast and played spin the bottle. The girls found some hasch that they had lost down the back of the fridge half a year before..so smoke some of that. In the morning we went out to watch the sun rise. Note to self next time you go dressed as a goth to a party..ware pants and proper shoes...no fun walking bare foot in wet grass at 6 in the morning. Next day went home, and Micheal and I went into town.
Went to BLACKLANDS FARM on Monday..that wasnt all that fun. Jumping off a ten meter pole just wasnt all that exciting!
Had tuesday off so I went with Micheal to the cinema and got my tattoo. £ snow flakes just above my privates. I like them I think not that I have studied them closly yet.

better pic later stage!

Total intake: 1 pear 5 squares of chocolate.

BAD

I cant actually be arsed to talk about how CRAP I feel at the momnet, becuase you guys eaither wont get it, or wont believe me. I have gained 2.8kg in one week. I dont really even know why and that is what scares me! I might just keep gaining nd gaining! I terrified and no one understands!

First day at school

Took the bus at 7.51...A few stops after us my sisters friends started getting on and the atmosphere got nice and friendly. The 45min ride to school didnt seem that bad at all! The bus ride home was so noisy.My sister and her gang rule the bus and boy do they make some noise! Tried calling mum but she couldnt hear shit of what I was trying to say.
When we got to school I found my form room,(it wasnt that hard). The year 13 in my form are complete nutters and I staright away got friendly with Adam who decided he would show me around, even though his friend Jenny had been assigned as my buddy.
At break time I went to the sixth form common room hang out, but found out that there is a whole other room with fucking music and random mad people. It was just hysterical watching all te boys hump eachother, wack eachother with bottles and just generally have fun. Adam and I got a nice game of catch going...chucking a lighter backwards and forwards (Adam is obsessed with lighters, specially pink ones!) He introduced me to his friends I specially like Micheal with his curly hair and excellent hat!!!
At Lunch time I was fucking amazed at the amount of food there was to chose from....there is tuns. I was so lucky because I didnt have a lunch card in the moring..my tutor Dr Pie gave me a resident boarders card (he hadnt turned up). The funny thing was this card had 64 quid on it..Lunch would have been on me, or rather Gregory if there hadnt been a 5 pound per day spending limit,plus no one was hungry.
After lunch I went to English and met Vix...an emo I had noticed at the interview day. I also met a girl called Saffran who turned out to be my sisters friends sister. Miriam has warned me she is a complete psyco who should not be trusted with a knife. She is also a compulsive lier.
Anyway Vix and I were ment to go shopping, but she had to work..so here I am writing a post.
Tonight I am going to a party at Jennies house..gunna have to sleep over cause she lives miles away. It dress up party. You have to go as eaither a sub culture or cross dress..I will be a goth or a hippy..I would do emo but no one would notice, and at our school emo is not a sub culture it is THE culture! Normal is a sub culture..maybe I will go as a slut..the black hair ruins that though...
Have the day off on Tuesday so hopefully Micheal and I are going into town to get y tattoo done and go see a movie. Hope micheal can come tonight...he had a roller hockey turnament so he might miss the party which would be a shame cause this party is an excellent time for me to chose between Adam and Micheal.

was gunna

Was gunna write aboutn my first day at school..then I ate too much diner and now I think I need to go to hospital b4 I burst. My upper tummy is disfigured its all bulgy cause the food wont fit in my stomache, so it is blocking my lungs I cant breath!

Getting soreted

So I went into my old school today...how ironic I spent my last free day at my old school. Shows you just how much a school can mean to a person..or just how sad I am. I then went over to the Brighton Dome ticket office and bought two concert tickets to Boy kill boy on the 25 of Oct....hope that is good.
Tomorrow school starts..I really hope we dont have loads to do from the start cause I really cant handle that! Blacklands Farm on Monday should be fucking fun though and i hope I make some good friends so I can sell some one the spare ticket I have.
Redoing some things in my room at the moment...hope to be splashing some blue paint over the apricot colour that it is now.
I have to find some new paintings pf pics to hang on the wall.
Been called a slutty emo today that was fun..just cuz my pants hang down too low and my hair is black. Daisy and Lexi must be the only two ppl in the worl to have truly enjoyed THE EMO EXPERIANCE...I wish I could enjoy it!

Going mad!

It really hurts me physically to be going mad!

Scale or no scale

Pros- 1. I will be able to see that I am not getting fat. 2. I wont feel like I have no control over my weight. 3. I will be able to regulate my weight better. 4. Gives an oportunity to see a low number and be happy! 5. Lets me learn to regulate my good habits without gaining weight. 6. Validates my ana.

Cons- 1. Will become a must every five min. 2. May show me a number I dont want to see. 3. May become a way for me to see that I am losing weight which will make me happy and I will eat less and die. 4. If I forget to weigh myself I will panick. 5. Cost money. 6. May break like my old ones and leave me all confused. 7. May not be accurate.

Please help me by giving me more pros and cons!

NO Scale

Havnt weighed myself more than 2 times since I got to englnad, I am sure I must have put on weight! I hope ppl will tell me when I get fat!

Eating

Dont ever comment on my eating! Today I have been told that I have no self contorol when it comes to food and to stop eating (by two different ppl at two different times). I feel so usless, I cant even do sit ups because I seem to fel I am not worthy of them! OMG I just dont know if whatI am going through is stilla wannabe phase?

school start

Went for a sort of interview at my school today. They seem to be under the impression that just because I went to IB I can handle loads of things. I am now taking 5 subject instead of the 3 or maybe 4 that you are meant to! I may also have to do a maths GCSE if they do not excpet the grade I got in maths B. They wanted a national grade in maths so the IB grade was not enough...which means I took the retake for no reason!
The school seems nice and there is access to a leisure centre and the bamba is soo cool it is just like a lounge with a bar where they serve the food! It seems like a nice environment but I am really scared about the biology! I was told it wasnt perticularly mathimatical.
School starts on Friday and then on Monday I go to Blacklands Farm! I have always wanted to go there its gunna be great!! I hope I make loads of friends and that they are not all dumb english cmmon people who annoy the fuck out of me! I saw one girl that looked interesting, but then what is looking interesting? I am annoyed about the fact that there wont me any older guys! Oh well maybe this is a chance for the lesbian side of me to get its time in the ramp light! Girls are hopefully more mature than the boys!
I walked to my grandmas today that is a nice 30 or so minuet walk..but then I am trying to eat normaly but excersize a lot so I stay about the same weight. I just dont want to get fat!
Tomorrow I am calling this number that apparently will ask me loads of questions to see if I qualify for an interview at M&S....I nedd references but I dont have any..maybe my mum and Clare can be my references...I dont know I want the job any way!
Starting driving lessons soon I hope but the provisional costs like 40 quid and then all the lessons..I need money!
Hope Robin can come and stay soon!!! We could have so much fun if nothing goes wrong! PS2,MADMA and a good snogg yay!
I have to take a KATS test to see how smart I am because the school cant use my GCSEs to see it! I will pprobably completly disapoint them all by being a complete numb nut! Or since I am being positive...they will discover that I am a genious (with dyslexic problems)!
Well I think this is a pretty good summery of my time in england so far!!!

Ana tricks

Breakfast today...half a 160cal roll which I then gourged the inside out of, spread some chilly powder on and shuved in my mouth before my mum had time to see I only ate like a quater of a roll. Hope she doesnt see the rest in the bin. She made me bring tuna to work for lunch (yes work again soon as I get back!! Wohoo making money!) the good thing with that is I need to go into the kitchen to open the can and at the same time I will be chuking half of it in the bin. I guess I will be eating about 400cal a day or so for a while.

Meaningfull deepness with Miriam and Sofie

pooooooooop....so this is an in deapth description of the mating habits of the native mongolian shrimp. As the male straddles the female from behind he lets out a pooooop and this goes in through the lower cave in the female anal area into her subsiduary womb, where it ferments into a child.
The fermentation means that all shrimp babies are born drunk, they are weened off their need for alcohol within two weeks of their arrival into the marine ecosystem.
I am like a shrimp born an alcoholic but my mum didnt know so I was never weened! Hence dont blame me if I pass out!

Ahoy land ashore

So I am in England now! Forever .....

Ronan Keating- Iris

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

Odd

I am so confused! I have been told that they way I see myself is not the way other people see me! Apparantly I am now skinnier than Anna but I so dont see this! I also find it hard to eat now which is good! I cant eat a lot without being ful up! I hope I dint eat too much today considering I was forced to look like I was eating dinner!

I am moving tomorrow very mixed emotions about that! I was all positive about it until Anna told me that she doesnt see why i should be any happier there. But I maintain that I think that the better environment that I hope to be subjected to in England will help me figure out what I need to feel better!

Marina is lucky she got to go with Jonathan to his student ball and now she gets to go with Erik to his Nollnings Ball. I want to go to, I would appreciate it much more than her!

Very sad that I had to go home last night! I could have had loads of fun with Marina and Christian! And today I was meant to be meeting all my dear friends and my dad made me come home (not that he is even home yet).

Feel so stuffed after pretending to eat supper!