Bono the new psalms

I was watching day tie tv today, as I have been for the last couple of days..OMG there is some shit. Ricki Lake and Oprah are really good quality rhen it comes to the other shit chat shows they air.
Any way was watching some debate about a church which has come up with the idea of using U2 music instead of the ordinary hyms and psalms. One priest was saying she loved the idea, and thought that many of the U2 songs convayed a religiouse and appropriate message and if it made people more motivated to come to church then why not. Another more somber guy was however a lot more scheptical, and ended up saying that he loved the old traditional hyms and found it unappropriate to use pop music instead of this old heritage of melodies we have. He even stated quite clearly that he had allready chosen his funeral music. How cheery.
Another religiouse organisation (sect) in america is advising all christians to stop listening to music like nirvana and the doors because they make you gay...
Listening to all this really does make me wonder how much sence religion makes. Had the Rabbi of my old school drop over on a spur of the moment visit lasting 3 hrs today. Quite interesting to talk to religiously leanred people I find, even if what they are saying is bollux. The worst new he brought however was that of the pending closure of my childhood school. It is a fantastic little jewish school, but it just doesnt have enough childeren any more. It is a really great lose to any one. I really dont understand why more parents dont just at the idea of sending their kids there. YES it is very twistedly religiouse but it is worth it just for the warmth and love and excellent education it provides.

If I had a gun

I dont want to live any more! I want to shoot myself...dont want to die slowly, just want to die. I give up. Im weak and you can all hate and dispise me for it I dont care any more. I am too bitter to be worth saving!

the futures dark and scary

Wow had another massive ana attack yesterday, not nice. REALLY wanted to just die or atleast just be taken into hospital already. Cut myself for the first time in AGES...

Its Valentines day soon and I will be spending it in a hospital...not only that but I feel so unloved by guys that its sad. I want a sweet caring considerate bf and Amy gets him instead...
I want a person to tell me, I love you and I will love ur body more if u weigh 10kg more...I want some one to take me out and to stay in with me.

I was called stunningly beautiful today by this guys grandma...made me happy, but scared me a bit cause...if I am beautiful like this, why put on weight? My mum would say that yes I may be beautiful, but I was EVEN more beautiful before, the lady just didnt have the image to compare to.

The thoughts of an insomniac

"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness." - Alicia Silverstone, Actress
This may sound completly shit, but I think there is a truth to it, which I am sure even she did not realise.

"Procrastinate now, don't put it off." This is so something for Anna!!!

"The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up." And another for u my dear

"Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now." Need I say more

Check up

Went to hospital today for a check out. My BMI has dropped with 0.6 this week. Well so got the dentist soon..well us brace faces need to go often..Hope they can kinnda gove my teeth a polish while they are at it, all this coffee and coke cant be good!

Coffee

Ok so I havnt eaten for 2 days...then this guy from work takes me out..ya he must be about 56, and Anna and I know not to get into cars with old men....but any ways. Mum knows about him. So we went into town where I went to find out about getting my lower lips pierced..he said he would pay for it, but when he found out what i wanted pierced he said he wouldnt cuz he thought it was drastic. So I wont get it done, till I have more money..no rush.
Any way we went to cafe nero and I has one regular amreicano and one large one. That is 6 esspresso shots, plus I had had an instant b4 I went into town. I then went to the movies and we decided to see Last king of scotland. Bought a 1l pepsi max and after about 10 min of the film I start to get the most painful leg bone aches and I get so cold. It gets worse and worse and in the end I have to ask Julian to take me home. On the way home we stop to buy some shoes that I saw and wanted. All together he spend about 30 quid on me and 10 on himself and he didnt even get to see te film...I know it is meant to be good but I just couldnt sit through it I was in such pain and so hyped up. I am no longer cold and I am not in pain, but I am typing very fast and my mind is racing. Wow guess caffine maybe does work on me if I drink enough. Odd that speed doesnt then. I hope speed doesnt feel like that caffine od did cause I didnt like it. Just worried me.

I suck at making friends

I just really suck! I dont do anything wrong..but I dont do anything right either..I am gunna blame it on the fact that I am too scared..but then it could be the fact that I have a shit character!

My dooms day diary ENTRY 1

Well went to the adolescent unit at Colwood yesterday. They weighed me, tested my pulse, blood pressure, breathing, reflexes...streangth....eyes....listened to my chest and heart...
I am now bed ridden for 2 weeks while I meet with JO 2 a week and go to Colwood once a week to get re checked. They are expecting em to sit at home and get motivated by eating a bowl of cereal for breakfast an a sandwich for lunch (I am so confused, if I was able to do that, would I need their help???)
Whats gunna happen is I am gunna sit at home...be fucking bored...feel like shit! Not eat cause whats the point in eating when I am not moving...and then on Tuesday and Thursday I will get bolluxed by them for not showing any effort or motivation to get better on my own. Im sorry I thought the idea was that I was sick and cant get better on my own!!! I AM motivated to get better, but I do not expect to have to do it sitting at home bored alone!!!
Any one who has any creative ideas as to what I can do please let me know..
Loz wants me to write a porno book for him...may get started on that...

cant seem to get pics of myself looking skinny

I now weigh 35 and still manage to look fine...

Weak

Skl insisted on calling mum to come and pick me up 2day cuz they felt I was too spaced out to be traveling on my own. Feel pretty blah, but I done know if eating will help right away any more, cuz I ate relativly well yesterday and apart from leading to me feeling like a complete failure, I feel worse today then I have b4!
Cant wait to go to Colwood tomorrow, REALLY HOPE I LOVE IT (if that is even possible)
I hve had this urge to randomly kiss guys over the last couple of days. First the american dude and now after being at the boarding house last night (wow their food was good with a wide selection of both food and desert!!!) I am now obsessed with throwing myself into a relationship with Ashlyn (who I dont even know) but I GUESS THAT is part of the charm. Although am I to have a bf now I think I would need a very special supportive one, not a random fame factory throw together couple type that me and Ahlyn woul make until we got to know eachother.
I love Monika and Nick...they are so fucking weired and sweet! I want to have what they have woth Ashlyn lol..it would be perfect we would be the boarding house 4sum (cept im not in boarding house..as of yet..or likly to ever be...due to finances and the fact that boarding would suck!!! well after a while)
We will see after the magic cureation period that I am hopefully going to embarc upon over the next couple of weeks...although how its gunna work I dont know!!!
RE exam today would have gone well had I not been so spaced out and had pains in my wrists from having to write so fast. 2 part a and b essay questions in and hour does mean you have to work very fast (u really do) but I do like it better than long exams where u have too much time and feel inadequate when u come to a point where u have nothing more to say. At least in this time frame u are not likly to get that problem, and since I am a fast thinker I havnt yet run out of time.
So now I have about 2 months of waiting to see how I did in the psy and re exams. I did the cowardly thing and will wairt to take the bio one at a later date (may be silly since I will then have more exams, but I didnt feel well enough prepared or well enough, and I am a coward!)
LOving the tv times here at the moment..not a day that isnt packed with good tv..we have holby, casualty, ER, greys anatomy all hospital related. Then we have judge John Deed (a bit boring really) desperate house wives and waking the dead (which mum has decided to miss in favoure of the new series of 24...which I think is a crime considering 24 should have said its goodbyes at least 48 hrs ago...such a shit show!

How r u? (everyone who reads this entry has to answer)

So how r u all?

Odd

I just had a specialist from an anorexic clinique come to meet me at my house, she turned out to be my cute, funny biology teachers wife...They are the perfect family...Saw them playing in the park with the dog and kids one morning...they really seem to live the dream!

Sleep over

So I slept over at Deanos house last night. It was nice he is a dj so he played me loads of REALLY GOOD psytrance which he really mixed up using his keyboard. Made me laugh to think how amature Maxims creations are compared to the EXCELLENT tunes and beats Deano has composed!!! Had 3 glasses of wine and an srchers and diet pepsi. Got drunk but not completly out of it.

I think the whole situation was perhaps a little akward because of his relationship with Steph (which is more seriouse and longed after than I first thought)

I dont really want to pla second fiddle to Steph, but I am ok with just being friends!

Where is my yellow brick road?

My life seems to have loast its purpose completly (not that I believe there is a purpose to human life) A more personal purpose of goal to my life would be nice though. A fog seems to have rolled in over my life, leaving me stranded in a haze. I cant seem to find the yellow brick road that will lead me to my saving wizard.
I dont even have thoes little flags that orienterers do, so that they know they are on the right track. NO PATH, NO HINTS....Maybe everyone has to find their reason without a path? No that cant be the case, because I definatly had little red flags before....who hid my little red flags?
Maybe I should see it as a reliefe I am free to do anything I want, ignorance is bliss...Nah I am still to inteligant to believe that! Ignorance is just a good excuse...in the long run what is the point of making excusses as to why you fucked yourself up...NO one but you really cares..they dont want to know your little excusses and you cant fool yourself.
I really need that friends to come looking for me, out in my cloud of fog...I need that friend so badly!
Technically I would deem thoes friends to be in sweden still and maybe I should move back there....but then...Here I am escaping from a fog that really isnt a fog, its me...Every where I go, I always take the weather with me. I really thought I had escaped myself when I moved here...and things have got better. I have changed as a person, and I am happy about that, but is this what I need? What do I need?
There is no place like home, there is no place like home,there is no place like home...Why arnt these damn shoes working. Is it the case that no one knows (not even the magic shoes) where home is...

Second day skipping

Didnt go to school yesterday cause I wanted to see my aunts who are both moving away next week. One is going to Spain to live a wild life, the other is going to Israel.
I then offered to help my aunt pack today, so no school today either. The truth is I cant be bothered with it at the moment. I have exams coming up soon and I still dont know if I will be allowed or able to take them. To be honest I dont think I could concentrait for a whole exam period. My thoughts are sort of faded like they were notes printed on paper that got accidentaly put in the washing machine.

You resemble that weak cripple I just turned away.

Standing infront of the mirror....interesting....
Its like wow look what Ive achieved....I worked bloody hard for that!
Its like what the hell was the point in that?
Its like is that even sexy......?
Its like I resemble that cripple I decided to turn away! Yet Im hot!

My inner blah

Yesterday was a day spent in a omplete and utter daze. I lay in bed half asleep half awake...the only positive thing was that I really had no intrest in eating at all and the whole day passed without me even thinking about eating.

Not until the evening did any emotions stir within me, and as usual the day ended with a tantrum. I just cant take the question have you eaten? I went to the trouble of making a plate dirty just so they would see it and not ask, and still after a whole day of not even speaking to me mum asks have you eaten. This was after i said OH I got hungry while you were out and ate.

Well it ended quite well when I sent my mum a text askign her where she was cuz I needed her and I think she finally realized that although I was shouting I wasnt meaning to be rude and abusive I just needed love.

Today I have been cold from the inside aswell as dead to the world. I am finding it hard to keep a train of thought going for more than half a second. Went to talk to the head of sixth form about my situation and she said maybe if my mum can pay for it I can board during the week (I refuse to have my social life taken from me on the weekends.) I will find some one who can take me in during weekends. Maybe Deano.

Just waiting for my aunt to come round now. Maybe she will have somethign sensible to say. I feel that I am capable of moving out and if we cant pay for boarding then mabe I can move in with Oskar, he said he will have me. I dont suppose my dad is gunna even accept me living on my own. The thing is I sort of am old enough now that I dont see why I shouldnt be able to live on my own. I truely believe that because my anorexia is about control if I feel lie I am in control of my life I will let the control I try to have over my eating go. But then who knows I MAY be very naive to believe that! Maybe my anorexia is kidding me! Thats the thing I feel like I know when it is me thinking and talking or when it is the anorexia but maybe I dont know.

Jennies controled gestapo state is a ot like what people are saying about england. My aunt and her bf are moving to spain because they cant take how controled and unprivate living in england has become. There are like 50,000 speed camras simply in the London area, in the whole of spain there are 500. My aunts bf has downloaded a massive map of spain with all the speed cameras so that he can ride his bike at full speed all the time. He will keep it registered in england so if he does get stopped by Spanish police they will just ask for the mone on the spot, rather than there being a whole dragged out court process.

Looking for a place to live...

I need a place to live..I have been kicked out of my mums. I dont want to move to dads. Any one got any suggestions?

Comitted

I am soon going to be comitteed cuz apperently I may drop dead any moment.