monkey taming

After reading the book monkey taming, i realized what robbie williams song Me and my monkey is aboout, Different people have different monkeys, mine is the voice that scares me away from the food and having white teeth....robbies is the voice that drives him to drugs and drink.
I wonder how many different species of monkeys there are. Do most people with the same monkey feel its presants in the same way? Do they hear a voice or feel a feeling?
Are all mental problems describable as monkeys?

will be edited when I think of more to say!

Going away

Things I will miss about my friends (and stuff):
The feeling of wow you get it, I feel with Marina
The feeling I get when Anna desperatly tries to help me
Yi
Vanessas hands
Interesting discussions about history with Vanessa
Layla's intrest in helping even though we aint really tight
Nicolas jokes and happy nature
Sabahats comical sayings and acts of clownliness
Sabbes big heart
Martins intersting way of thinking
Jennies free spirit
Jennies place to hang
Nadavs intrests in me
Jennies knowledge
Clares strong nature


Things I wont miss (but I will)
The feeling of constant compitition between Anna and I
Marinas reaction to sertain things she relates to. (you know what I mean)
Sabahats touchiness
The fact that Vanessa isnt a lesbian
Martins too proud way of being
Martins obsession with Marina
Marinas obsession with some boys
Clares pig headedness
The feeling of being left out

I am sure I will edit this post as I think of more things!!!

Ice cream truck

I am like an ice cream truck driver. I am constantly fleeing from an annoying sound. What I dont realize is that I am the one making the annoying sound.

Old friends

Been talknig to Robin a lot! We are planing our stays at eachothers houses. We are gunna have so much fun!
It is nice to think that people that you randomly meet at airports can still be your friend 5 years later. Usually people you meet out and about exchange details with you swaring and promising to keep in touch, but how often is that the case. Sometimes the odd email goes back wards and forwards. However when you realize that you have nothing intweresting to share with your pen pal, the contact ceases.

Alone

Jennie wrote in her blogg that we are always alone. That "You can live together with other people, but together generally means next to." she also however says that that is good enough..I dont agree. I am constantly feeling alone, while I am being told I am never alone because I have so many people that love me. I dont know if Jennies threory gives strength and validity to my feeling of loneliness, because the truth is I am alone. Or wheather it is telling me that I have to get it together and learnt to live with the fact that I will always be alone!
Either way I do not believe that happiness comes from being with others..well atleast it shouldnt do. Ironically enough I can never face the fact that I am the only one that can make me happy. I am constantly looking to my friends and family to "cure" me of my malaise. This isnt fair to them or to the me that is inside looking for a way out but constantly feeling trapped by my hatred of myself. I guess the fact that I have all these insights may make me more capable of doing some thing about my situatuion, but once again the circumstance is not true to what it should be. I am again sticking sticks in my wheels as Robert would have said. I dont need any more insights, I need to take action.. but first I need to come to terms with the fact that either there is something wrong or there isnt I cant keep jumping inbetween!

Listing

Lånad från Micke

Har du någonsin?
Ätit sushi: JA så gott!!
Stått på scen: Jadå. Ett par gånger.
Blivit dumpad: Ja fast d va länge sen!
Varit ihop med någon som varit otrogen: Inte så vitt jag vet och hoppas.
Klättrat på berg: Nepp
Sett vita huset: TV-serien? JA. Huset där das President bor? Nej.

Antingen eller...
Kallt eller varmt: Kalt
Spets eller satin: Jag e inte hora..Inget av dom!
Svart eller rött: Svart!!!!
Regn eller snö: Snö. Vackert
Rosor eller tusensköna: Rosor
Vår eller höst: Vår..Jag blir så JÄVLA glad!!
Historia eller vetenskap: Ush
Matte eller engelska: Duh ENGLISH

Motsatta könet...
Gillar du någon just nu från det motsatta könet: Nobody special
Vet den om det: Hur ska dom veta om inte jag vet?
Gillar någon annan dig just nu: Med risk för att låta ego... Säkert!
Vad tittar du på hos en kvinna: Ögon

Inom de 48 timmarna...
Har du haft ett seriöst samtal: Självklart!
Kramat någon: Yep
Kommit sams med dina föräldrar: Inte pratat med dom
Bråkat med en kompis: Nja

Gillar du att...
Ge kramar: Oftast
Ge massage: FÅ FÅ!!!
Gå promenader i regnet: EWWW

Övrigt
Vad gjorde du förra sommaren: Inget
Svär du för mycket: YAP
När duschade du senast: I dag två ggr
Vilken färg är det på dina byxor just nu: blå
Vilken färg är dina underkläder: Svarta
Vilken låt lyssnar du på just nu: Ingen
Vad var det sista du sa: Mhm
Vad är bredvid dig just nu: Stol
Hur ser ditt skrivbord ut (till datorn): Lagomt stökigt. Så det ser ut som att man lever här.
Vad var det sista du åt: Pasta och pesto
Vem vill du spendera resten av ditt liv med: Inte mig själv i alla fall
Har du en lavalampa:Nej
Hur är vädret just nu: Uppehåll, men det är mörkt ute så jag vet inte.
Vad gjorde du igår natt: Inget specielt
Vem pratade du sist med på telefon: Anna
Vad gör dig glad: Inget
Vart skulle du vilja åka: Runt världen
Vill du ha barn: Nja
Vad ska dom heta: Yasha

En till:
Bok / Film
Sångare / Skådespelare ska jag va?
Rock / Pop
Flip-Flops / Högklackat
Rakt hår / Lockigt hår
Bantning / Ät-vad-du-vill
Rött / Blått
Killar / Män
London / New York
Varmt / Kallt
Ljud / Tystnad
Blondiner / Brunetter
Dolce & Gabbana / Gucci WTF
Örhängen / Halsband
Vår / Höst
Britney / Xtina
Aniston / Jolie
Action / Komedi
Desperate Housewives / Sex and the city
Diamanter / Pärlor
Skola / Jobb
Stanna hemma / Resa
Hemmafest / Nattklubb
Tjejmiddag / Fest
Piercing / Tatuering
Baddräkt / Bikini
Dansa / Sjunga Inget!!
Äta / Laga mat
Solsemester / Shoppingresa men kombinerat?
Sean Preston Spears Federline / Maddox Jolie-Pitt Dont care
Sagan om Ringen / Pirates of the Caribbean
Trädgårdsmästaren / Orlando Bloom. HU?

Anxiety again

Owwww my insides ache..not in a specific place but every time I think of my weight or food,pain shooots thorugh me!

Ending it!

I dont know what to do! I dont want half descent friends! I love some of you so much but some times you just dont make me feel better...and I dont feel like I can make you feel good! I will just ignore thoe of you that I feel I am pissing off the most!

I .... just....die

I dont know what to do soon I will be a huge fat thing! No offecnce to fat people but I dont want to join you!

Ångest som gör ont!

Fuck it hurts so badly....I want to have my coffee and my ice cream and more soup, but it hurts to think about tomorrow morning when I get on the scale and instead of showing 43.5 will show 44.4! I cant stand it! It hurts not to know how it will affect my weight or how my weight will affect my appearance. It hurts to know that I am not hungry, just eating because I am weak! To weak to be like the others on sinsandbones that eat only 100cal a day! I dont know what to do, I can kidd myself and think that when I get to england I will get a gym card and my world will be saved.

Naive

Am I being naive thinking that I will become happy after moving to England? Maybe I am searching for a happiness that comes from within? Is it the case that I could travel the world looking for inner peace when really it is not my surroundings that will bring me happiness. It would be easiest I think some times if my happiness was in te hands of my surroundings. If the happiness comes from within me I may never find it, as my realationship with myself is not the best and I dont know what tools to use t patch it up.
I dont know if the things I am going through are just phases. Am I really depressed or am I just trying to be cool? Am I anorexic or is it just a bad time I am going through?
I dont want to make a big mistake (and I dont mean drugs or getting a lift from a 58 year old I mean a big mistake that will affect the rest of my life)

7th heaven!

Isnt it just cosy how nice they seem to have it in their little family. Even when there is a crisis the love really shines through! It is so interesting how their religious morals tie in with their very strong sexual relationships! I think it is a highly entertaining show! And I have nothing to write about so I am reviewing a tv show!

The ambiguouity of adolesents

I feel so fucking young! I wish I was fucking 22 so I could make people feel young! I have no fucking authority, not even over my own life! This is part of the problem my mum says I have. She says I have not devolved properly emotionally! But the thing is I feel like a grown up! A young but mature person! I guess taking drugs can not be seen as mature, but there are plenty of grown ups who have high ranking positions who take drugs...are they not mature?
I dont believe choosing to do something that is "bad" means that you are in any way less mature or stupid, it just means that you feel like you are being constricted by what is "good". I dont chose to do drugs because I dont know that they are "bad" I chose to do them because I dont care. This may of course be seen as a childish way of thinking. It can however also just be taken as a sign that I want to take thoes risks (It may be selfish, but the truth is aslong as I dont let some one else be affected by it...I am only affeting myself) (Being caught by the police does not qualify as affcting some one else!) I understand that grownups worry about their children, but some where there is the fact that if you trust your child you trust it also to be able to cope with "bad" things. I believe (so far) that people can chose to do things that may be illigal or not safe and still be trusted to be responsible people. I would never do drugs in a place I did not feel safe and know that I was not going to intrude on some one else! I know that drugs can make you do things that you would nt have done in normal circumstanses, but the fact is that I am (I may be wrong) capable of cntroling myself and presecuring things so that if I feel I lose control I have a back up!
All this may just be making it clear to the reader that I am naive and exactly the opposite of what ia m trying to tell you I am. I can however only say how I feel!

Sitting at home

I've been thinking a lot about when exactly it is I am expecting from life! Why am I moving to england? Is it because I think my mum is going to let me rule my own world? Is it because I really believe that I can do better in school there? Or is it simply and escape?
What is it that I am escaping from though? I will have two years of school there instead of one...I will have tp make new friends when I have such good ones here...Is it really only my living situation, and is that a good enough reason to uproot my life? If there truth is that I will achieve greater things in England (even if only marginaly) then I am all up for going? But how will I know if that is the case? I guess I just cant stand my life any more the way it is now! Maybe just the change of environment well shake me into a better "mood".

Sexing up a cider!

Gosh what a hot chick! This is what you look like 2 hours before you get arreste and you are forever condemed to being a narkoman and a silly girl who got a lift with a rapist!

FUCK OFF

OH fucking hell so I cant spell really if you are fucking gunna complain about it FUCK OFF! And if you are gunna complain about the fact I got a lift from a 58 year old FUCK OFF!!!

Living with Ana

Every moring you wake up and she is lying right next to you. Her perfect fat less structure with its petruding bones digging into your fatty hips. You carefully move her aside, hoping to get one hour awake without he pestering you, but she is a light sleeper and always wakes.
As you make your way down to the shower she prods your stomache and complains about the way it wobbles as you walk. Walking past the mirror is compolsorary even though she knows it upsets you. She makes you take a long look at your self. She tells you to examine the way you belly curves out into a jellyfied lump. The way your love handles hang over your wide hips,and the way your neck bones are hidden by a layer of excess fat. After a careful survey of yesterdays calorie damage,she tells you to march your way down to the shower. Scrub harder...harder. Make sure you remove all the dirt, it will weigh you down. Even those extra grams are important so scrub!
Your body red from all the scrubbing you get out the scale. This is a crucial part of the days activities. Slowly you master up the courage to assend the scales. Ana coxes you on! You open your eyes and read off the display...That cant be right Ana shouts get off and on again...again...again. After desperatly getting on and off hoping there is an error in your scales system, you and Ana finally come to terms with the truth...You are still FAT.
Now comes the first real anxiety attack...what to eat for breakfast...you really want rice and creamy curry, but no way is Ana going to let you bring any of the to your lips. Her stress inducing voice cascades from her mouth. Your friend who you share a bed with has becme a gestapo officer. You beg her to please spare you to let you enjoy your breakfast. All she does is remind you of how extreamly big you are and how many excess calories there are in just the rice. A fat person like you doesnt need them. Imagin if every one had as bad self control as you have...The worl would be completly crowded with FAT people...Do YOU really want to be fat cause that is what you are. She is the only one who can help you. She knows what you can eat and when you can eat. You have to trust her and listen to her! You cant start thinking you know how to do it yourself because then you will only become like all the FAT people out there, and then you will be ugly and worthless!
When you have finished eating your salad...you make your way to your next weigh in. Your mind is doing summer saults trying to figure out how you are going to explain to Ana that you have already gained 100g. You only had a salad. You step onto the scale again....PHEW all though your still fat, at least you havnt gained. Obviously Ana did know what she was talking about...So glad you listened now!
As the hours pass your tummy starts to grumble its hungry....but Ana tells you to be strong. Only the weak give into their evil stomaches. Your family offer you lunch. You really would like to accept, sit and eat with them...enjoy the food and their compony. When you tell Ana this she just laughes at you! How can you be so naive? Cant you see that they are plotting against you! They dont want you to be beautiful! Why do you need to eat with them, when you can do sit ups with your BEST FRIEND Ana.
After 4 hours of suffering and 400 sit ups later, you cant take it any more you are screaming inside, but Ana can see inside you and she imidiatly starts on you. Telling you how weak you are and how if you cant hold out for a day how do you expect to look good? You have allready had around 100cal and you still have diner to think of . Ana knows that she cant help the fact that your parents make you eat diner, so she compensates by telling you not to eat lunch.
As the clock starts to near diner time you start to sweat! You know there is another battle coming up. You sit down at the diner table and your nose is filled with a delicious smell. Delicious Ana asks..Cant you smell the calories. You are so lucky Ana is there by your side. You would have eaten all that food other wise, cause you just saw that it looked nice. Good thing Ana knows better!
Diner is over but your still hungry. Thats good though, means you may not be as FAT tomorrow.
Time for another weigh in. OH SHIT you have gained 1kg. Ana is furrious. She becomes agressive. You have to be punished. Get the razor out! Maybe if you drain your self of some blood you will be lighter! Anything to at least feel lighter!
You go to bed feeling like a failiour! Ana tells you that you have to do an extra 200 sit ups before you go to bed. You are so tiered but only FAT people give in just because they are tiered!
Ana gets a magazine out and opens it to the page of beautiful people look at these people...do you think they give up? Of course they dont she barks!
You go to bed...you sleep...you wake up....and Ana is right there with you all the time!

YOUR BEST FRIEND ANA

First Post

So here is yet another user name and pasword to remember. What dont we do to keep in touch with our friends!