why?

Why did they give me a 8-5 shift wehn the cantine closes at 3? Oh well got payed to watch eastenders.

First day at work

Got to work and found out that they want me to work tomorrow aswell which is great. It as fun actually, but it was disgusting to see all the oil the cooked the eggs toast and jacket potatoes in. I hope I get my hw done in time cuz at this rate i wont!

Cant actually take this any more

I want you to rape me....I want you to make me feel like shit! I want you to rape me and then push me off a 40 foot building. I want to be run over by a truck...I dont ever want to feel like Im worth anythign again! Each time I start to feel like I can achieve something, some one (usually me) fucks it up or pricks a hole in my illusion.
I want it all to end..I want to calaps in a pile of skin and bones, weary and derranged. I dont want to live in the world of the concious any more! I want to be so over taken by hunger that I cant think! I dont want to have to chose weather to eat or not..I want there to be a NO button in me that is on constant full power!
I know when it actaully comes to this (which it wont) I will regrett it. That is why i want you to rape me and push me off a building!

Still deaf

was right at the front for the boy kill boy concert. They were pretty good it was just a shame that I seriously needed the toilet all the way through but didnt want t go cuz I would have lost my deafening space at the front. The bad thing with being right at the front is that u cant crowd surfe or move...and you go deaf!
2 support bands...they were both pretty good aswell, but boy kill boy were better!

Going to the doctors today..also have to do that psycology essay I was ment to have done ages ago. Went to bed at 4 after a huge b/p session...not nice...and got up at 7..Im a bit tierd but I figured what the hell lets not waste the day in bed.

countdown countdown countdown to your disappointment....badabapa suzie...

scared u all off

LOL Ive managed to scare all the ppl away from my blogg!
Got another ear piercing today...thats my tenth.

LOndon

Went to the Science museum..what a bore! Went to Oxford street what a bore! Ush a lot of exercise walking round london tube stations.

Need to start doing my sit ups again cuz doesnt matter what I weigh I will always feel fat if I dont have any muscles!!!

Spending more and more time in the bathroom

Fuck! Went to Limmud today, and they fucking managed to have good food even though it was kosher. Ended up with my head bent over the baltchington Mill staff toilets. The thing is I suck at purging and I never seem to get it all up. The good thing is I managed to call Fraser and unbook the fair trade meal! Other wise I would have gone way over any resnable kcal limit.
Told them that I wouldnt make it in time..which sorta was true...

Going to London tomorrow, dont know what I am meant to do there but Mims and i will have the day to spend doing something..maybe cinema or just window shopping.

I am going to try to go to Limmud at xmas..I will be going off to Nottingham alone which means control of my own food, and the good thing is there will be lots to do to keep me occupied so I wont need to actually ever eat. The thing is I dont trust myself to be strong enough to actually not eat...I am weak.

Thursday is the doctors and I will fucking have to face the fact that I have gained weight...I dont suppose I can even lose it if i dont eat from now til then.

Fashionshow was fun yesterday, well not really fun, but the ppl were nice. Skimmpy fucking clothes though!

Feel so fat at the moment..mum just mentioned food and it made me think about how ful I feel! I think I weigh over 45 now when I weighed 43 or so yesterday and 42 the day b4. I cant belive I am letting myself balloon like this! NO I KNOW I am NOT fat, thats not the point (just thought I would make that clear for thoes ignorant fuckers with two brain cells!!!)

banana and custard

GOOD both ways!

Guess?

look I am fed up with people shuving their shit on my blog..if ur notinterested in me as a person dont read my blogg!
Vix just plz leave my blogg alone!

doctors on Thursday

I dont want to go get weighed! What if I have gained weight? Ush they are stupid because by telling me they are gunna weigh me they are making me not eat so I dont weigh more! The thing is at the moment I am eating a fair amount..Oh well as long as I am cooping. I will get the scales tomorrow I hope!

half term...

So what to do this week? Got fashion show at Holmbush on Sat, Limmud on Sunday, going to London on Monday and boy kill boy on Wednesday evening. I hope I dont spend my next week eating and feeling shit.

When will Fraser replace Maxim?

I wonder what it feels like to no longer feel any sence of attchment to Maxim...I wonder when Fraser becomes the person I instinctivly thnk of when I am sad....I dont love or like Maxim any more, but we were together through a lot and that will take some time to build up with Fraser. I wonder what he feels anbout me in relation to Emma? does he still feel the urge to call her when he si down? Although they ave been apart 3 the amount of time Amxim and I ahve been separated.
I some times wonder what Maxim is doing, does he wonder what i am doing...is he thinking about when we first met or the times we had fun ...went to movies...actually thinking back the best moment I ever had with him was near when we first met..we were just sitting on my bed talking getting to know eachother..asking questions about what our families were like. There was no sign of what was to come, and I wonder if therehad been what I would have done? Would I ahve walked away, or wold I have dismissed it as a silly paranoia...I was never to knw that laterhis paranoia would ruin something that could have been so beautiful. I was never to know that the same dad he was describing as a man forced to flee from the maffia, would become something i COULD NOT FLEE FROM.
All the effort put into the relationship can never be refunded, and do you know what, I dont want it back. I am sure that in some ways I have made some difference to his life..without me maybe some other girl would have had to suffer his abuse. I dont see myself as a mater..its nothing liek that. i am happy in some ways that I have gone through an experiance that has taught me such a great deal! He has given me so much...I dont condone what he did..or what i did..and I am not saying that I think any one else should have to go through it. I am simply saying that I am very naive sometimes and maybe it was better to learn the hard way while I was still to young to comitte fully. Who knows what would have happened if we would have met 2 years later. By nw I could have been a mother with a bruised face and a scared child...
I hope that in some way he still thinks of me with a smile on his face. I hope I didnt cause him all the pain he said I did, because I dont ever want any one to feel like I did under his rule, because of how I am treating them.

Wow now that I have that out of my system I can think about the future. Who knows what Fraser and i can achieve together..It is very hard with him to tell what he is feeling. I dont know if he needs me or really wants me. I guess I shouldjust wait and see..I dont want to tip a scale that then cant be rebalanced. I really need to feel needed without being clung to like a last breath of air. I dont know what a relationship is like. I dont suppose a relationship is like anything...it is an entity of its own,unique for each time it is formed. If Platos theory of The Forms is right..what does the Form of a relationship look like?

Nostalgia is a poison of the mind...sure it is a beautiful thing to be able to reminis about the past,but how many times do we not linger in the past just a little too long? All our fears and anxieties are built on things that happened in the past and surely some of these fears have past their sell by dates...I used to be too afraid of being alone to even consider the possibility of being alone at home, or any where were there were not people visable at every moment...The fear hasnt quite left me and I still cant be alone with NO ONE around but I am slowly getting their. Why am I so scared of it though..My subconscience is constantly is a state of nostaligia, thinking of that time when I was little and afraid and no one helped me. Im ready to admitt that although it is nice to be able to relive certain moments of my life over and over again...to think about that time I found out I was something to someone, it isnt enough to live souly in the past...I need a future and my future started here in England 8weeks ago. If I dont embrace this chance now I have blown it forever...and although I may be scared and I may have carried those inner fears with me, the nostalgia has got to stop here! I cant be the person I was before, I have to revamp and reshape myself into something that I feel is doing justice to myself. Kathy this is for loving my potential....(too bad you didnt tell me how to use it)

Trying

I ate a normal amount today I wold say:
1/4 chicken (- skin)
2 jacket potatoes..(one sweet/one not)
2 clementinas
1 orange
1 cup of green tea
scary actually how fucking much food I had today...OH WELL HAD A SLIGHT ALMOST PANICK ATTACK..but I will go to gym tomorrow...hope I dont stuff myself in food tech.

Tiered

So odd had my bio test today..bit stupid cuz she just told me to fgo some where quiet and take it which ment that it obviously wasnt very serious.
Got excellent marks on my first Eng lit piece...Thank you Clare (U no you should be in IB when...)
Still havnt looked at my RE essay cuz I am too scred it sucked (it shouldnt have done, but one never knowes!)
Not doing anything much tonight..just have some psychology essay q to do.
Going to help the little kids with food tech tomorrow..ya torture..good torture!!!

Fraser's

Went round Frasers it was nice...First we sat by the open fire with a blanket, then we walked down to the beach and lay there a while. Then we went to the pub and had a Baileys and Vodka (it was funny cuz the asked for id, so I gave them my press ID and they just said ok...If you act confident they dont actually check your age)
I then went into a newsagents and bought a bottle of rum. There is was funny too cuz he had justed asked a guy infornt of me for ID to by cigg (thats 16 here) the guy looked over 16..then I come and buy alcohole and he doesnt even check ID. Some guy also made of the difference cuz I didnt have enough money. I love being a girl!!!
When we got home Frasers mum said we could open another bottle of wine...so there we are nattering away with his mum..I am getting more and more drunk (I had eaten..and never did eat yesterday!) Then his mum said I should stay over, so i called my mum and she was ok with it. Fraser and I went back to our fire. Suddenly his dad comes down and says I should go home, he will drive me, so he drove me home...After that i dont remember any more...I woke up this morning in bed (so thats good) And no one told me I had tried to mia and passed out (which is what happened last time, my memory went.)
Sorry this is written so badly but my vocab is locked in a cage and my mind is a haze.

blond to blue....

Theift from Charley

Love some of the things Charley says...so profound..or maybe just negative??
Excellent, so well said!:No prince charming will save you from the tower you built yourself; you're the only one who can tear it down, piece by piece, and realise that your dream is just a dream, and nothing that's achievabl

Could have been worded better but: The grass is always greener on the other side, they say, but why don't you just close your curtains or let your blinds take that temptation away? The grass can't be greener if you can't see it.

I sought refuge with MIA

Chocolate may taste like heaven when going down..but it isnt worth it, cuz it tastes liek shit coming up!

Shit second attack....tantrum

HELP me I am going mad!!! I cant look at food yet I eat it. No one gives me a hug they all judge and I have now been crying non stop for abot 40 min!
All you ppl do it judge! id like to see you try to dela with what i feel and the feelings of being scared of failing and not being good enough!
The world is fading..i am hyperventilating! HELP ME OUT OF THIS!!!

Any difference?cept for shitty hair

:Me now
Me in june:

Energy in food

It weired how when you dont eat anything..the smallest peice of fruit or cake or anything can wake u up from the lifeless state that going without food can put you in!

How close and clingy?

I am really confused about this spending time with ur other half thing! I really miss that Maxim wanted to spend time with me always! I am quite disappointedc and a little hurt that Fraser didnt really care whether I went to battle of the bands or not! I dont know if it is over or he just thinks its normal not to wanna see ur gf after school. It is however nice to be able to kiss and hug other guys (in a friendly way) without being crusified! It was rather funny when FRaser said he wanted a pet ferret...I was like if you only knew what u just said....

Today again

Went to the gym today with leon and Miriam...first time since I got my cold.
Something is fucking my tummy up cuz it goes mad every time I eat (no I am not complaining) I wonder if it is lack of food or the diet pills?
Allready starting to chose to not do hw cuz I cant be bothered! And this is A level you have to do ur hw..bullshit if you can get away with it in IB you can get away with it in A level!
Going to the dress rehersal for the modeling thing on Thursday..then going to have my hair done on Friday. I dont think I have anything planed this weekend...next weekend is gunna be bussy though cuz first I have the fashion show then I have Jesses party (I think)!
RE trip on the 17th of November..to London...30 quid hmm ghope its worth it!

today

Today went by without any strage goings on! I made supper so it was good! I wish I would have eaten less..but it was th only thing I ate today basically so I dont think I have even reached 500kcal maybe just about.
I did my Re I hope it is ok...I didnt do my psycology....from being what I want to be to boring me psycology has made a big swing for the worst! I dont like the teachers or the way we are going through the matterial! All we are doing is loads of bloody memory tests we are not actually learning much!!!

...BIOLOGY....BEWARE...

Had a breakdown today about my hw..Mum was really nice and comforting though so it was actually nice in the end! I did my hw and things are ok right now although I feel a little piggish and peckish.
Got soem new clothes today which is always fun! Everything I ware is now black (cept jeans...hard to find nice pairs of black jeans)
Mum says I am looking skinnier than what I did when I got here. But I think she si just paranoid now becasue cant ossible be skinnier with the amount I eat. I think she is going to by me a more accurate scale when she has someleft over money, so that I can get a better idea of what i weigh.
It is funny cuz today in the shop trying the clothes on it was like I suddenly saw what others see when they look at me.The thing is I really liked the stick I saw, unfortunatly the next tme I looked se as gone!
I got a JOB, YAY! I wont have much of a life as I will be working 9.30-6.30 every Sat, in the Tescos staff cantine. Oh well hope the food isnt too good so I get all tempted.
Was gunna go shopping with Josh today but he was baby sitting. Thats ok I had a nice day with mum.
Have to do my RE tomorrow, and then maybe I will pop round to Frasers, we will see.
Thinking about Maxim still gives me weired feelings it feels like I was married for years and lived a grownups life and now I am back to square one..I wonder if Fraser feels the same after Emma.Oh well Fraser seems to have a brain and a heart unlike Maxim.
I do realize the effect my mentality has on my eating sometimes and it is scary. The other day when I was stoned I got the munchies of course and usually I would drink (there was vodka) and eat (there was chocolate) but I did neither, that suprised me! Oh well my control obsessed part is ever so happy!

Hahaha Webbing

I went on a site and it had webbing piercings. That is what Marina and I had! http://www.bodyjewelleryshop.com/body_piercing_information/location_types/surface_webbing.cfm

Agneta sucks or someone does any way

The grades I was handed by the head of sixth form were so not the grades I got. I got a one in French ( well I didnt know I was taking French so I havnt been to any French classes...Oh ya I dont take French, so how I got a grade in it I dont know) All the other grades were wrong too...Very sad!

Diner with Fraser

After two days of HARD fasting..I was ready to go out for dinner without feeling shit! Went to an Indian restaurant in Shoreham. We had starters and side dishes and 2 bottles of wine!!! It was really nice, it was a nice evening. I do however feel really guilty cause the meal cost 551 krowns and he payed...I let Marina pay for me cuz shes a tennnis pro lol. NAh but I felt guilty then two and I have known her for much longer! He is coming over for dinner tonight so that could be fun! I have an inset day so I should do my RE home work (an essay on situational ethics) Marina you would either love RE or hate it depending on what mood you were in lol
Miss you guys in Sweden. PUSS !!!

HA I did it!

YAY a perfect day!
Breakfast: 2 cups of green tea and two diet pills
Lunch: Half a cup of green tea and a diet pill
Diner: Half of a 93 kcal soup
Grand total 50kcal or so

jaja då blev det 8

Komentera bara på svenska!! ja då blev d 8. hihihi det gick inte så bra för kondomen..jag vet inte vad jag ska göra med p piller lr om jag ens behöver..jag har ju inte mens...

Another attack

I dont know what to do as I am sitting here psycological pain is shooting through my head and body and disfiguring my face as the food disfigures my body! I cant take this any more I need to diet! I need a friend who cansupport me in my ana not try to get me out of it! I need to be able to eat so that I go to bed with a smile on my face and an ache in my tummy. Just once I wish my body would scream out for nutrience!
I want Frasers Greek statue like body..bones jutted out in all places possible..muscles showing.
I am not going to be able to satisfy either side of me. I cant not eat, but if I eat I cant live with myself! this cant go on I need to go on a diet! I need to cut out all the shit I eat! I need some one to coach me...not a pretend like vicki who says she has an ed and then eats a packet of criss and drinks a hot chocolate. She doesnt seem to mind the fact that the boarding house is making her ed hard..it gives her a good excuse to eat normally...thats all she needed to satisfy her conscience...an excuse..well that only workes until I swallow for me! It only works until Leon gives me that iron smile that says "ha youve done it again" I ate two chips that were left over today and he said to my sister and me OMG you do know you just ate potatoe sofie..I was like ya I know two chips wow!!! Then my brain started crying and my stomache heaving..then I ate more..tried to subordinate the feelings, but now I have nothing more to do but gain weight and cry! I cant take it any more! I need to diet! i need to feel skinny again! i NEED THAT FEELING OF WEAKNESS TO MAKE ME WHOLE! I need to faint when I stand up! I need people to stop buying cakes..I need to get some self dicipline! I need salvation!

weired feeling in my tummy

Feeling really sort of bloated at the moment..not from the inside like i have eaten too much but just like its big. I am so lost in the world of calories now. It really confusing, cuz I feel like I dont know what I am eating or not eating. I think I am probably eating normally and thats scaring me!
I was having a convo with someone about eds and it made me feel like a failure so badly...wow she was better at it than me! Mcdonald Bowyer is fucking slimmer than me! LOVE THAT COLLAR BONE STRUCTURE! Makes me wanna hurl everytime I see her!
Fraser and I are getting used to eachother.Just calling once can open doors to comfort...
Fasting tomorrow I should be loving it, but I think I am scared I am gunna binge tomorrow night.I am afraid aswell that the reason I have been able to not binge these last few days is because I have eaten enough during the days to keep my body satisfied...yes I know that sounds healthy, but it doesnt sound fun to my ana ears!
Started taking diet pills after every meal...dont know if they work, but they cant do much harm..they arnt perscription. Might just fuck the fast and drink green tea and take diet pills. This will be the first time in like 10 years I dont fast...and I am only have ment to start fasting 5 years ago. Wow hope g.d counts ana as a disease!
I got such a cold wow !

Battle Royal

OK this is a topic Martin will be likly to comment on! What is it with Japenes films...are the japanese ppl so supressed that their only out let for their psycotic ideas is through their films.
Just saw the movie battle royal...It was rather good but so sick. Had a saw feeling over it with loads of kids stuck on an island forced to kill eachother. It actually had a happy ending though..as far as it was possible for such a sick movie to end happily.
I saw little miss sunshine the other day. I guess that was an ok film, which like in all new american films had a good go at the beauty ideals that are being imposed on younger and younger children.
Also saw the Jennifer Lpez film enough a few evenings ago. And it was all rather good until suddenly they thought it was possible for a person to learn a full black belt self defence course in a month. Its taken me 3 years to get to green belt..and sure I could practise everyday but even then..dont think so.
Next film on my list is Kingdom of heaven.
But I really should do some hw. I have notes to write for the class on the Endoplasmic Reticulum....I should know what that is but all I know is that it is a load of tubular thingys with ribosomes attached..something about storing glucose and protein synthesis..Oh well I never said I was smart.
Fraser called and wanted to go out later but I cant cuz it is erev Yom KIppur so we are having a big meal and going to shull. Tomorrow is a good day FAST day!! Yay no one bugging me to eat....havnt eaten today yet actually..ush got such a cold I cant stand the idea of eating. Was nice and controled at dinner last night..didnt even have desert..I am so proud..actually wish I felt more proud....